I recently joined a group in which participants are called upon randomly to talk about particular topics. The purpose of the group is both to learn from each other and to contribute stories and ideas that may be of value to others. What I know to be true about myself is that I'd much rather know ahead of time if I'm going to be asked to speak about something or even to simply tell a story. The ad lib, spontaneous anecdote is much harder for me to tell; I get tongue-tied and flustered, and end up feeling as though what I shared wasn't substantive.

This group is a good place for me to be, though I hate it at times, because I'm staring dead-on at how caught up I am in the vanity of wanting to look good. To be sure, there is a time and circumstance for being prepared and polished. When we are intending to make a difference in peoples' lives, to inspire them to new heights, or even to deliver bad news with composure, being primed is essential and responsible.

But this group, is currently teaching me how to dig deep inside my well of experience and share it off the cuff, and do it with ease. At first, after stuttering through each talk/storytelling episode, I noticed, that while people were socially polite, no one was inspired or moved by anything I had to say. I told myself people weren't responding positively to me because they were different than me. Fine, I thought, I don't need their approval, I'll just concentrate on getting what I came here for, and not care what they think. But group after group, I continued to stammer through my thoughts, and nothing had that crisp, cogent delivery that, most often, I can rely on myself to express.

So, I decided to ask one of the seasoned members to mentor me, so I could maximize my learning and better grapple with the challenges I faced. It's turning out to be one of the best decisions I could have made. My mentor is sensitive, but firm, and persuades me to get brutally honest with myself. She's helped me see that because this group feels risky, even threatening to me at times, I am holding myself back from fully showing up. I keep the best part of me hidden by not sharing how hard it is for me to do the spontaneous thing. If I'd just be vulnerable enough to be at ease with my own lack of ease, I'd relax and be myself, raw and unrefined, perhaps, but freed from the clutches of the vanity that is literally choking me. So, I'm still working at it. It's an unfolding process, and slowly, I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin.